Tag Archives: tools

Managing failure, the test we keep on taking

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Failure is a heavy topic. It is hard to think about failure without remembering yours, and it is hard to look at the way others manage their failures without asking yourself how would’ve you done it. And, yet, it is a topic of major importance, its proper management being a never-ending test.

Failing is a part of our lives, even if we are not fond of it. We fail constantly, even if we talk about our personal lives, about our careers, or about our relationship with ourselves. We fail, and this is not bad at all, as failure is such a powerful tool for learning.

Because, yes, failure is, above anything else, a tool we’re handed. It is a mirror showing us what could’ve been done better, or at least in a different way. It brings along different perspectives, others than our common favorites. It helps us grow.

But this only becomes visible after the dramatic phase, after the why me, why again? moment. And, if you happen to be a perfectionist, like, getting through this phase is a challenge in itself, the learning part coming more as an extra task. As much as it is a tool and a way of learning, failure is also a test. The way someone manages their failures speaks volumes about that person. It is a good thing to pay attention to when you meet a new person, their attitude about failure.

Usually, there are three big types of approaches: Why me, I wasn’t worth it anyway, and It’s not the end of the world.

Why me? is the approach where the person, put in front of a failure, tries to find an external source. It is never about them, their failure is the consequence of other people’s actions, and they have nothing to think about. If you ask them what are they thinking they did wrong, will tell you there’s nothing wrong about their way of action, the other people or maybe the destiny didn’t want them to succeed. They were right, and would if they could turn back the time, do things the very same way.

The I wasn’t worth it anyway narrativeis the perfectly opposed approach. It is, just like the previous, strongly connected with one’s self-esteem. The person tried, hoped for success, but deep inside the feeling that they’re not good enough to make it persisted. They take their failure as something personal, that is way more about them- their interpersonal skills, their knowledge, their way of action than it is about others and their perception.

It is not the end of the world is, if you ask me, the only effective approach when it comes to managing failure. You try, you fail, you take some time to analyze and see what could’ve been made differently. Maybe you were not a good enough fit. Or maybe your knowledge of the subject was lacunary. Maybe you just tried at the wrong time, and the right moment for it would’ve been other.

It implies taking everything into consideration and then choosing up wisely. Maybe you will or will not try again, but what you learn from that attempt remains with you, shaping you into a different individual. Being aware of that keeps you committed to learning and without any bitter feelings long-term.

Naturally, the way one will approach a failure has other stuff in the background, besides of their maturity level: how important was for them to make it from the first attempt, how much work they’ve put into it, how many other chances to try again they have and the pressure of their close ones are also factors to consider when we talk about one’s attitude on failure.

My experience with this was, as expected, a tough one. Being a perfectionist with a low self-esteem level, the tendency was to assume that every failure was my fault. Other factors were always secondary and the“what could I have done better” list was a neverending one. Till one day, when I got to understand that, no matter how hard I want it to be that way, truth is that very little of the outcome was under my control. I could only control the way I act and talk, as well as my level of knowledge, but the perception of others about me will never be something I could control, so blaming myself for not being enough won’t lead me anywhere. And this was such a hard pill to swallow for an anxious girl like I am. However, it only made things easier, as it made me come to better terms with my failures.

Linking my self-worth on my success-failure rate was for a long time one of my most toxic behaviors. It made me think that to be worthy of respect, affection, and trust, I have to be successful constantly. But this is not how life works.

You are going to be successful at times and failing at times, but this won’t make you a failure as a person. You can be a good person and still fail at things. This doesn’t mean that your goals are unrealistic, or that you’re a fool for trying to make them happen. It only means that you’re human, and failure is a perfectly human trait. No one has it all together every second of their life. No one said that failure is something to be happy about, or that feeling sad about your failure is not a valid feeling. Yet here’s the catch: being a worthy human being is a constant, and linking it to something as fluctuant as the success will harm you. It is one of the things with the greatest impact on your mental health, as well as one of the biggest fears. Don’t let your failures mess up with your most important resource, you know better.

Failure is far beyond the good and the bad. It is a complex phenomenon, the beginning of a whole journey that has a unique purpose to help you learn about yourself. Looking back, there are moments when I’m happy things didn’t work out my way, as I can now see clearly what a disaster this would have been. But some failures were my fault, and that taught me how to act in future situations like that, which I’m grateful for.

So do yourself a favor, and stop trying to put all your failures in the same box. Keep in mind that you are a person who deserves love, appreciation, and good things, no matter your failures. Your failures don’t make you a bad person, even if the voice inside your head keeps nagging you with this idea. Instead, it makes you an apprentice, someone who has to keep on learning. And when it comes to dealing with life, we’re all apprentices here, so cherish every opportunity you get to discover more.

The beginning of the journey: when depression kicks in

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They say that every journey begins with a step, but this is also standing for the bad periods in one’s life. Every bad period begins with a bad day, or, even more specifically, with a bad event. It doesn’t take that long until the bad you’ve always feared happens, and your world becomes an unrecognizable place to be. This is how the whole journey begins, with an event.

It could be something not that big, at the first sight, but, on the other hand, who can tell what’s big enough to shake another being’s life? It could be literally anything: a failed exam, a break-up, losing a job, losing a loved one, gaining weight…as many people, as many stories, and as many bad possibilities.

Somehow, though, despite all of these, the signs of depression installing tend to be pretty obvious, especially if you’ve had your meetings with her, too. You’ll see the differences in the way that person talks, dresses and behaves.

Because depression brings not only pain, but also change. It changes the way you sleep, the way you eat, it changes the way you’re interacting with people around you and with your own body. You might sleep too much, or almost not at all, and this applies to everything stated before.

But one of the most painful things brought by depression in one’s life is doubt. Self-doubt and, most important, the doubt of a purpose. A depressed person will ask itself and the others around frequently “What’s the point of this?”. It might become annoying and worrying, I can totally understand, but it represents exactly the way that person sees the world around- pointless.

An important thing to say is that these signs do not come as a storm, all at once. They are subtle changes in one’s behavior that appear during a period of time, usually estimated at two weeks. If one of the main coordinates of one’s psychological well-being, such as sleep, appetite, libido, self-esteem, social interaction, care regarding one’s body and health has significant changes that last for over two weeks, there might be a chance to talk about a depressive episode. As many changes one can spot in a loved person’s behavior, as likely it is, if we respect the two weeks rule, to be able to talk about depression.

It is not something uncommon at all, and, as you’ve read this article, there’s a possibility that a name, or two, raised up in your mind. If we listen to the World Health Organization, depression is the lead cause of disability, counting over 300 millions of persons across the world which are being diagnosed with depression. If we think about the people who can’t afford mental healthcare and diagnose, the number is much bigger than that.

In this context, we have to talk about depression. Or, to be more specific, not only about the stimuli that trigger it, but also about what one could do to befriend her. Because it’s not that kind of disease that you’re gonna cure once and for all, no. It is more like we have to learn how to live with and without depression, because, even if our clean periods can, in the best scenarios, last for years, there will also be times when occasional episodes of various intensities will kick back in. And we have to be prepared, to be able to identify when one’s approaching, and to know what we have to do to diminish the possible damages as much as we can.

We have to understand that a picture-perfect life can be just as worrisome as a chaotic one, and that any extreme can be potentially dangerous for one’s long-term well-being. But, for this to really happen, we have to share our own stories about depression, and about the things that helped us overcome it.

I can’t really recall when my first depressive episode happened. It was, anyways, a long time ago, maybe when I discovered that I don’t look the way people label as beautiful. Part of my mental health struggles were due to the fact that I, for a really, really long time, was hating my body. Even now I have days when I look at myself and think “Oh, well, at least I’m smart, and that’s a good thing, too.”. But now we talk about days, not years and years, as in the past. If the recovery after all the years of self-hatred happened in the blink of an eye, I can’t tell you the same thing about my first major depressive episode.

Here’s how things went. It was the summer of 2018, when bad things started to happen. First, I was dumped by the guy that I loved. After that, I failed my PhD admission, and turned back home. I was feeling…no, the truth is that I was not feeling, and that was a first.

I was in a state really similar to the one after anaesthesia, where you know that you were able to feel, but, at that very moment, you can’t. This paired “nicely” with an unfamiliar desire to sleep (at that time I was sleeping somewhere 11+ hours a day) and the loss of meaning. I was absolutely unable to see the purpose of things, and most of the things done in that period were done by default. It was also the period where I’ve cut so many ties, that I ended almost isolated, home, with my books and cats. It might sound pretty and a good thing, but the numbness and the loss of meaning that were always with me, matched with the constant feeling that I’m an unworthy failure, made it one of the worse periods I’ve lived so far.

With all that being said, though, I  never gave up. Actually, I returned to the things that used to bring meaning into my life, like writing. I’ve started to keep a diary again, in a failed attempt of holding myself accountable. I stopped, however, when I’ve noticed the obsessive tendencies that it was revealing. And, most importantly, I’ve returned to a thing that has always been one of my main traits: seeing the good in others.

This is something worth trying a bit day by day. To make other people feel like they are good enough, they are beautiful, they are loved, they are worth it. That their fights matter too, and they’ll make it through just fine. That they are not alone in this. It’s the easiest way to make a difference for the others, and for ourselves at the same time. Kindness is free and feels good. It takes you nothing to empower other vulnerable people around you, but gives you so much in return.

It is, if you’ll ask me, one of the most reliable and powerful tools to use in this journey towards recovery. Because, as I was saying, the depression is a game-changer we have to learn how to live with. And this is why the recovery after an episode is a whole journey by itself.

Because you discover things about yourself that you didn’t even knew they’re there. You develop new mechanisms of coping with hurt, distress, you get to see things from a different perspective. You learn the difference between putting yourself first and turning into a selfish, entitled brat. Between genuine self-care and the marketing, good-looking-on-social-media kind of self-care. And a whole bunch of other serious, or, ironically childish kind of  things.

But everything begins with that one moment when a bad thing happens to shutter everything we believed it was meant for us, that brought us joy, fulfillment and sense. I don’t believe in magic tricks that would help you get over the bad times. There’s no such thing.

There is, instead, honesty, support, even if we talk about the emotional support provided by the people who love us or about the professional support, provided by a specialist, and in the magic of doing. These are very powerful tools fo growth, through managing emotional struggles. Is important to surround yourself with people who can still see the best in you, even when you’re unable to.

In my dark times, even if I was almost isolated, I still had my people who’ve genuinely cared about me and supported me. Even if that meant sometimes sharing dope music with me, and other times showing me potential collabs, to keep me going, they were there, and I wouldn’t be here without their unconditional love. Needless to say, I’m deeply grateful for their existence.

Forbidding something to yourself, even if it might, at first, seem the right thing to do, as we usually tend to associate it with discipline, it means nothing. Just a road leading to NowhereLand. Of course, this is not meaning that we are allowed everything and anything, as things are obviously not standing that way. But saying always No! didn’t help nobody accomplish anything.

I hate giving advice, but if I’ve understood something during this journey, is that’s gonna be one of the most surprising times in one’s life, so you’d better not simply walk the walk, but try to see, understand and enjoy the new version of yourself that’s blooming slowly, but surely. Continue doing the things you used to love, even if you can’t feel a thing at the given time, continue growing your relationships with people that show you love, and don’t give up.

At the end of the journey, which is not that much of an ending, but more of a stop, you’ll see that it was a bad period, not a bad life. That there were days when you’ve felt almost happy, almost like you’ve got the whole thing put in the right box again, days where nothing seemed to ever make sense or progress, and days that, well…just were. Not good, not bad, but they were there. And, above all, you’ll see that life has always kept its fabulous beauty, all the time. Because not even depression could ever take that away.